


a change of heart

by sapphictomaz



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Episode Tag: s06e08, Episode: s06e08 The Old Man and the Anomaly, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, comfort?? it aint canon so i guess theres none
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 07:29:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19389379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphictomaz/pseuds/sapphictomaz
Summary: After the ending of 6x08, Bellamy wonders how he and Murphy got to this point.





	a change of heart

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is super short, but i want to say a big thank you to jen, stella & elle for keeping me sane during this post-episode slump. i'm holding out hope.
> 
> the title is from "a change of heart" by the 1975.

_“Parting; such sweet sorrow, right?”_

**before;**

Before it happens, Bellamy is certain of very few things, the first being that he is now in charge. It was always Clarke, before, and he’d help where he could, but on this new world he’d made the decision to be more involved for _his_ people. 

Now, Clarke is gone, but not dead. This he is also sure of. The final thing the Bellamy _knows_ to be true is that he must do everything he can to get her back, because if the events of the past day have proven anything, it’s that Bellamy is a terrible leader on his own. 

He can’t make the hard call. He doesn’t know how to take an analytical approach to things. Sure, he’d disagreed with Clarke in the past, but given the circumstances he doesn’t know what he’d have done differently - most of the time. 

He _owes_ it to her. He _has_ to.

So maybe that’s why, when faced with the question of _Clarke or Murphy_ he chose the first. Maybe that’s why he was so quick to doom Murphy to the fate of “traitor.” Now he doesn’t have to try to save him, to make a decision that saves his life, too. Now instead of _someone who survived the end of the world by my side, who is my family, who I grew to love_ , he can look at Murphy’s pleading face and just see _traitor._

Bellamy thinks that’s very analytical of him. Clarke would be proud.

And Murphy’s just hardwired to try to survive because that’s all he’s ever known and yes, Bellamy’s heart sinks when he thinks of the six peaceful years they shared, where he watched him fall into a depression that none of them knew how to cure, and he _does_ know that Murphy’s not a liar, not when it counts, and there’s so much more than just - 

“Why should we care about that traitor?”

Emori’s angry with him, now, but ~~Clarke~~ Josephine has a knife to Murphy’s throat and Jackson is nowhere to be found. Alarms are ringing, the EMP is thrown to the side, and his plan is falling to pieces at his feet. This would never have happened to Clarke.

Bellamy’s confidence is shot but it’s not like he gets a time-out, so he takes stock of what he knows - Murphy is a _traitor_ and he doesn’t care about what happens to him; the EMP needs to be activated, but Emori won’t do it if it comes down to that or Murphy; Echo will. 

Echo activates the EMP. Everything’s fine. 

**during;**

He doesn’t fully realize that Murphy’s bleeding out on the ground until after he’s dragged Josephine past the radiation field. Bellamy turns back once, just before he vanishes into the treeline, intending to make sure Echo makes it away safely, but his eyes seek out Murphy and there they fall. 

In the last few days, Murphy has been shot twice, stabbed, drowned, been to hell and back and now he’s bleeding out, and he will probably die, and _all_ of these things are Bellamy’s fault.

The radiation field is back up. Josephine keeps struggling, but Bellamy’s feet stay planted. He feels his heart shatter and sink - there’s no redeeming himself from this sin. At the end of the line, Murphy secured a deal for all of them, for _him_. He did all he could to avoid a war. Ulterior motives be damned - he was loyal, throughout it all. 

(Bellamy’s never died before. He thinks that if he had, he too would be willing to do anything it took to secure immortality).

He remembers, years ago, back on the Ring, how Murphy was willing to test the first batch of algae and almost died as a result. They’d never really talked about it, but Bellamy had held vigil at his bedside for the full two weeks, each second feeling more guilty that it was Murphy and not him in that position. When Murphy woke, finally, he remembers the joy in his heart and the relief that flooded his veins, and he remembers how he kissed him in a moment of pure, untainted happiness. He remembers thinking that the two of them would last this way for years.

He remembers how, about a week later, he'd brought manufactured calla lilies grown from Monty's garden to Murphy's door as an apology for leaving quickly after their one-night stand. Murphy had laughed in his face, but he'd taken the flowers and kept them at his bedside, and for those few moments where Bellamy had allowed himself to be vulnerable and let himself fall into Murphy’s smile, everything had been just fine.

Bellamy thinks of late-night meetings and their many rendezvous in the woods, when they were younger. He thinks of simpler times, when life was about more than just survival. He thinks that they deserve to have that once again.

He remembers hanging Murphy, too, because he's not an idiot. He knows he did wrong by him. Almost idly, Bellamy wonders what would have happened if he hadn't convinced Murphy to come explore with him, to be a pioneer. He may never have known about Josephine. He may never have made a choice, fueled by fear and fire, determined to save his loved ones - all of his loved ones - for all of eternity. He may never have died.

Murphy’s as good as dead, and Bellamy’s responsible. 

**after;**

Bellamy’s responsible, and because of that, he doubts that his face is the one Murphy would want to see in what now must be his final moments. He turns around, hauling Josephine after him, and vanishes past the trees and into the forest. 

He wonders if Murphy is thinking of him, if his name is the one on his lips. Bellamy wonders if he did the right thing. He knows he didn’t, but - it’s never been about that, so why should he start feeling guilty now?

Step by step, he continues on his path. Jackson might meet him - he might not. Together, they might save Clarke, or they might not. Either way, Murphy will die. Murphy is already dead. Bellamy continues on his path, thinking _traitor_ and _I love you_ in the same instant. 

As they part, he feels the sweetest kind of sorrow cement in his chest and find a home there.

**Author's Note:**

> hope it was okay? feel free to hit me up on twitter @ sapphictomaz! i'd love to cry about the horrible plot lines of t100


End file.
